When life isn't all cupcakes and rainbows

"Will you love this child as your own, as if you birthed them?"

That question was asked of us when we adopted each of our two daughters.  And my answer was a resounding "YES!"!!! Of course I would! Why wouldn't I? I would be her Mama until the day God called me to eternity.

Now fast forward 7 years....and I asked myself "Will I love these children as my own?" What if they don't love me back? What if I can't break through the hard exterior that's protecting their wounded heart? What if they leave and never remember me? What if it hurts? What if I'm not their mama until the day I die? What if...? What if...?

If everyone waited for their "what if" questions to be answered before doing anything, nothing would get done. If we let the unknown hold us in fear, we become paralyzed and unable to even move one step.  I have an uncle who plans our for every possible scenario when planning events or making plans. He takes every possible worst case scenario, every "what if" into through as he moves forward with planning.  He doesn't let the "what if" possibilities keep him for moving forward, but plans possibilities of what they might look like.

Planning for the unknown (which seems like an oxymoron) is kinda like this: you're on a road trip in your car but you don't know where you're going or how to get there. Who does that??? A lot of us actually, often without realizing it.  I often describe to the young women I mentor that trying to follow God's will for us is like this road trip. (Disclaimer: this is not my own analogy, I think I heard it years ago) So when you're driving through life and you come to a split in the road, and you have to make a decision, what do you do? Both ways could be wonderful, both could glorify God, both could bear much fruit, both are honorable, both you could do so much good along. So now what? Do you park your car and wait for the Almighty to light up the path you're to go along? Do you flip a coin? Do you wait for God to pick your car up and set in the direction you're to go? All these options are considered when you have put your car in park. Can a parked car be moved? NO! It must be in gear, even in neutral it can at least be rolled.  If we have faith as small as a mustard seed, then to choose either way in faith IS following God.  Don't we believe that God's so powerful that even if we choose a path that's not what He wants us on, He can redirect us! Even if we don't know exactly what we're getting ourselves into, at least going forward is choosing to have faith. It's much easier to redirect a moving car than a parked one. :) (yes there are many holes in this, but it makes sense as I process)

So now fast forward those 7 years I mentioned earlier... Will I love the children that come and go through our home? Our answer was "YES". Not because we knew we could, not because we thought we could fix them, not because we thought we are these amazing people/parents, not because of anything other than God asked us to.  Does it hurt? YES. Does it wreck our hearts? YES, daily. Does it frustrate us when we see just how broken the system is? Yes. But if we let fear (of some very real things) paralyze us and keep us from opening up our home to these children, we aren't trusting God that He's powerful enough to mend our hearts, bind up our wounds, and carry us through heartache. If we make a difference in even one child's life then it's all worth it.

Not every child has a heartbreaking story. We've had some really positive outcomes with some, and that's been amazing to be part of! And that helps carry us through the pain of others.

Monday we are going to be letting go of one of our littles that is moving on from our home. We've loved him so so so much, made memories with him over these past 7 months. But his social workers have decided that a different home is best for him so he can be with his older sibling. We knew this was a possibility when older sister moved on to a better placement.

Ever child that comes through our home will be here for a time that God has determined. We don't know how long that is, and we have chosen to love anyway. Ugh! I read a blog another foster mom wrote around the time we received our first placement. She titled it "Foster care will wreck you". Yeah, I knew in theory it could. Little did I know just how true that statement is, how daily it wrecks me. Each child comes with their own story, their own trauma, their own joys and sorrows. And with each child I open my heart up to love I am wrecked all over again.

Jesus never once said that following Him would be cupcakes and rainbows (by the way, that movie stole my line I've said for years!!), he never promised it would even be easy! But two promises that remains true no matter how many times my heart is wrecked are these:

Deuteronomy 31:6  "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Malachi 3:6 “For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed."


So from these two promises I can have confidence that no matter how many times my heart is wrecked, heartache will not break me completely.

And so...I'll eat cupcakes and I'll look for rainbows.