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Thursday, May 31, 2012

Be still my anxious heart

OK, I'll admit it. I've turned into my mother! But I am proud of this fact! I can balance my checkbook (yes they still have those), plan my weekly meals, organize our family's schedules, and organize & plan everything else I possibly can. :) I'm organized people!
But no amount of planning, lists, organizing, and rewriting lists can drown out the deafening silence that threatens to cave the sides of my head in at 2 am when I can't sleep and all I can think about is our impending move. ("He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”" Psalm 46:10) My mind whirls around trying to picture what goodbyes will be like, what the long drive to Dorthy-ville will be like with a very energetic toddler, what it will be like to set up our new home, what the sound of the country will sound like again (haven't heard that since I was 12), what it'll be like to be the "new family" on the block in town. "Be still". How does one do that? There are no "what ifs" to consider, no maybes. The fact is; we are moving. How do people do that? Just pick up their lives and move. Leaving all we've known for the past 9 years (Cheyenne more like 28 years) and starting all over again somewhere else. "Be still" Right, because it's that easy! This is my home, I belong here. My best friends live here. Our daughter was born here. Our first two babies that I miss dearly every day went to be with Jesus while we were here. We bought our first home here, celebrated 8 years of anniversaries and birthdays, and I was finally putting down real roots. Not the those thin wispy ones that break off so easily when transplanting new flowers, but thick knobby long roots you would find if you tried to pull up an oak tree. (it doesn't take a genius to figure out how that turns out) "Be still". Why? Because HE is God. Not me. "Not my will but yours" (Luke 22:42). Now I'd never compare the cup I must drink to the one that Jesus did by any means, but regardless, it's not about what MY will is, but what my Lord's will is for me. He has already laid out the path that my life will follow. ( For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11) Sure I've prayed and asked God to let us stay here in CA. But until I fully embrace the fact that my will is not always HIS will, my thoughts will be tormented with anguish.
But does embracing His will for my/our life mean that I can't be anxious, worried, angry, or filled with that anguish? Nope! For HE created me, he created my emotions. And after all..."Jesus wept" (John 11:35). So He's been here, faced with a life crossroads and knowing what He's being called to do isn't easy, nor would be a first choice if given one. So what is my response in all of this? I cling to Jesus. Cling? Yes, because there are some moments I cry like a little girl begging Jesus to change His mind. But He won't. God never changes His mind. He has a plan, even when I don't understand, even when I hate it. So I cling to Him. "Be still".
Who knew that all these crazy emotions would come out of a simple state-to-state move! How thankful I am for the friends I do have here who are helping me through this dreaded transition. Now don't get me wrong, there IS good in all of this. But tonight, at 2am, I'm just going to be still and know that HE is GOD".