We are counting down again. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but then I decided that if God is on this roller coaster with us, then I need to have faith and jump in! :) Easier said than done.
The last time I wrote a count down post was days before my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I've been reflecting a LOT over the past week. 1 week ago last night we spoke with S on the phone for the first time and became officially matched; committed to each other throughout this adoption process. Over the past week she and I have gotten to know each other a bit better through phone calls and texts. She is a sweet young woman. A woman our daughter will be proud to call her birthmother.
My head has been a mix of emotions and thoughts the past few days. What if S can't go through with this? What if we get our hearts broken again? What if ___? What if? What if? I've cried out to God asking Him all my what if's, not expecting to hear a response, though at the same time desperately wishing for an audible voice responding to my cries. This morning Karis and I were having our morning Bible time and through the verses I read I knew I was receiving my answer. Even if my "what if" happened, or any of them did for that matter, what then? Would God leave me alone to figure it out? Would He abandon me? No way!!! He never will! This is all part of HIS plan! The good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow.
A sweet friend humbled me to my knees this morning when she told me I was a godly example to her and if any good has come out of our failed adoption in November, is that it's taught her so much about trusting God and having faith. Who am I to be a godly example? I fail daily. But what has stuck with me all day as I jumble her words over and over in my head and heart, GOOD has come out of that pain. Already! Only 3 months later. And yes, I know other good has come out of it, but to tangibly feel it this morning was humbling, because who am I that God would choose to use me to glorify himself?
How does what happened in November effect how we respond to this new possibility? Do we hold back to protect our hearts just in case? Do we embrace the excitement, planning and joy sharing of preparing for a new baby? Is there a middle? I've been trying to figure this out since last week, and all I can come up with is this: if this is God's plan for growing our family, if this is the baby girl God has picked out for us, then holding back would diminish the Glory due to God. And if this doesn't work out, then God will be there to help us pick up the pieces again, and we will be surrounded with the best support system in those around us ever created!
Reading back over what I've written, I think it's more of a 'writing to process the craziness in my head' journalling than anything. ;) So pardon me if I'm not making sense! :)