Life is an adventure, and GOD IS FAITHFUL

I don't even know how to write this, so many thoughts & emotions are still running through my head, but I feel the need to share because this past week is a huge part of our story.

How do you get through the loss of something that wasn't quite yours to begin with? 

This question is running over and over through my thoughts. I honestly don't have the answer to that question. I've tried and tried, but all I've come up with is that it takes FAITH, and more FAITH to trust God and walk in belief that God is in control when the situation seems such a mess.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

 Last week we experienced a failed adoption. 

Some of you know exactly what this means and the heartache that goes with it. Some of you might not, so I'll explain a bit. A failed adoption is when there is an attempt to adopt a child and it doesn't work out. In our case, from match to failure happened over a span of 36 hours.

A quick synopsis: Wednesday morning an adoption agency that we'd put feelers out to back in August contacted us that there was a baby boy due any day that needed an adoptive family. We were matched with the birth mother officially that afternoon. For 24 hours we rushed around pulling out baby gear, clothes & blankets, setting up cradle, borrowing baby boy clothes from my sister in laws, trying to pick just the right name & getting ready to bring "our" son home. We called family to share our news, and even got to FaceTime with my parents who were in Cambodia. Everyone was so supportive and willing to pray and help us in any way they could. We wanted them to know what was going on, even in spite of the risks, because we knew we'd need them if things fell apart. Our amazing church family rallied around us to help us prepare and try to figure out how to raise the money we'd need for adoption fees in less than the 2 months till finalization. (yes things happen much quicker here than in California!)  Then Thursday afternoon our agency contacted us that the birth mother was already working with another couple and wasn't being honest about the situation. We were crushed, broken hearted, devastated to say the least. BUT we were glad to know that we wouldn't be bringing a baby home that was meant for another couple, when you look at the big picture. We knew there could be risks, there always are with a domestic adoption. We were beyond blessed with an easy adoption for Karis. I've a dear friend who experienced a couple failed adoptions, as well as my older brother had a difficult adoption journey, and I've seen the pain they go through, and the fear of trying again. That unborn baby boy was not placed in our arms, but he still reached int our hearts so quickly. We still bonded, dreamed dreams and anticipated his birth as an amazing thing, trusting God to guide our steps.
All day Wednesday I strongly felt that no matter the outcome, we should move forward in this until God closes a door. So we did, hearts open, excited at the possibility of having a son :) and Karis having a baby brother! So now, how do we let go of a dream that wasn't officially ours?

Cheyenne said it best. He said we are called to live a life of obedience. As a couple we've been very proactive in making sure we are available to God for whatever He calls us to. Whether it's being willing to move overseas, open our home to whoever needs a place to live, following God's call to move our family to Kansas, pursuing both adoption & fostering (we're 7 weeks into our foster care classes!) so we can grow our family and to give children in need a safe & loving home, or anything God has for us, we believe firmly we are called to be available and to obey. If we obey, then there is no reason God won't carry us through the difficult times.  Yes there is sadness, yes there were (still are) tears being shed, but through the grieving process we refuse to take our eyes off our God.

It's hard to know if it's worth opening up our hearts, becoming attached to the possibility of having another baby, when the risk and heartache are so great. And after going through the past week, I know that it is. It is worth it. Especially when we are surrounded by our amazing family & church community who surrounded us with comfort Sunday at church. We are desiring to get involved with helping our church start an adoption ministry, and maybe we needed to experience this to be able the help another couple through a failed adoption at some point.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

We've lost babies, lost grandparents, lost a parent, and now we've lost the possibility of adopting this baby boy. But we won't give up, we're continuing in the adoption process, wanting to remain available to God. We pick up the pieces and keep going. Life is an adventure, highs AND lows! 
This is my truth for today: GOD IS FAITHFUL!

Psalm 55:22 
"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."

Walking in obedience

This week has been one of high highs and low lows. It was just a normal week, much like most of our weeks, but for 36 hours it was one for the books. :)

Wednesday morning we woke up much like any Wednesday morning, coffee in hand, my little munchkin running around full of energy before even reaching 8am! I checked my email and was greeted by the most life-altering message I've ever gotten.

 "Please give me a call if you would be interested in a Hispanic boy due any day in Wichita."  

 So what would you do? How would you respond? My brain responded with "this has got to be a scam. Who sends an email like this at 12:34am?". My heart responded "Yes why in the world would we not be interested." If any of you are familiar with domestic adoption, you know the risks that are always involved. There is ALWAYS risk of things dissolving, until paperworks is final. So I did what any good wife would do...I asked my husband what he thought! :) We both decided it wouldn't hurt to call. So I called! :) (by the way, this email was from an adoption agency our cousins had recommended back over the summer but we'd decided to pursue fostering instead, so yes it was a legit source!)

That phone call changed our lives forever. And when I mean forever, I mean our lives will never be the same again. But hold on to your socks before you pick up that phone to call and ask why you're only hearing about this now. :)

Here's how the next 36 hours went:

Wednesday:

 9:12am: Left message for social worker who emailed us.

10:15am: social worker called and said yes that indeed there was a baby needing a home. A baby boy due literally any day. Birthmother thought she was in labor the night before and hadn't picked an adoptive couple, thus the 12:30am email to us. She gave me the background on birth mother and the run down of what an expedited home study would look like, and all they needed from us to proceed, including a very large amount of money that last adoption we had a year to raise!

1:30pm: (I had a play date and couldn't call before this time!) I called Cheyenne to give him the run down and see what he thought. Initially our first thoughts were "there's no way we can come up with the money in that time frame". In Kansas adoption are finalized in 30-60 days and all fees are due by that time. (much prayer started at this point and trusting God for the process)

2pm: Called social worker back to see what info she needed from us in order to see if the birth mother was even interested.

2:30 pm: Cheyenne called our Pastor to see what possibilities of fundraising in the short 1 week we most likely had. Our Pastor was beyond excited and so supportive of us pursuing this opportunity.

3pm: I called the social worker to say yes we were 100% desiring to pursue the adoption of this baby boy.

4:30pm: Social worker called me to say that the birth parents had chosen us! We were going to have a son! Karis was going to be a big sister! This also prompted phone calls to family to share our news and ask for MAJOR prayers! Both my sister in laws offered to put together baby boy items for us!

5pm: Cheyenne came home from work and we rejoiced and praised the Lord!

That evening Cheyenne went to hear his brother preach at a local church and Karis and I went through our boxes of baby items and pulled out blanket, cloth diapers, and what few gender nurtral items we had! I set the pack n play up, and threw a load of baby stuff in the wash! (no, I wasn't one bit excited right??!!)

Thursday:

8am: Pastor called Cheyenne to say that the church wanted to help with anything we needed and wanted to walk through this with us! What an answer to prayer!!!!

Most of the morning I spent researching adoption grants that we'd applied for with Karis' adoption, and gathering all the info we needed to apply.

11:30am: Cheyenne, Karis, Dad & I went out to a celebratory/valentines day lunch

1pm: Karis and I did a quick trip to the store to grab a package of newborn diapers & a immidiate items.

1:45: got a voicemail from our agency that "new developments" had arisen and to call back

3:06pm: Finally connected with agency's lawyer to shared that the birthmother wasn't being honest. She was trying to double dip to get extra money from two agencies. Apparently another couple had already been matched with her weeks ago (possibly months) and had been paying her living expenses. When she asked for more upfront, she was told she'd have to wait till after the baby was born for it to be part of her expenses. So she took off and then contacted our agency when she thought she was in labor Tuesday night.  Thankfully the lawyer that is part of our agency put out feelers to other agencies to see if she'd possibly been working with anyone else and that's how this was all discoverd. Long story short, the other adoptive family contacted the birthmother and worked something out so she's going back to them. Sadly this birthmother has many personal issues, and was thinking of herself and not this tiny baby.

4pm: officially not having a baby boy.

Spent the evening praying and trusting God in the midst of disappointment.

What we've learned:
*We are surrounded by an AMAZING community and church who jumped on board right away to help wherever they could!
*We have AMAZING family who was beyond excited and supportive
*God simply asks us to OBEY.
*When we walk in FAITH


What will we do now? We'll continue to be open to whatever God has for us! If that means another possible adoption, we are willing. If that means continuing with foster care, we are willing. God has simply called us to be available to whatever He has for us! If that means walking through another failed adoption, we know God has His purpose in it. Maybe there's another couple out there we will meet that will be going through something similar that now we can encourage them through.

The "worst" day of my life

**Disclaimer:  I've had many different blogging ideas on my mind over the past weeks, but nothing has stuck once I sit down to write. This particular thought though has stayed with me all week as I've been processing my own life's trials and how I can use them to glorify God. So I hope this isn't too patchwork-ish for you. :)

"Today is the worst day ever?"

How often do we ourselves think or say this? How many times do we think that things can't get any worse, that our day is the worst ever and no one could possibly understand?
 
Lately I've been hearing people say this, or maybe I've just been more aware of hearing it these past few weeks. I know it's all relative, that each person's "worst" day could very well be their worst day ever.  I'm not trying to sound cynical or judgemental. I've been there myself, many times. Each time I would think that my day couldn't possibly get worse, that this day/event is the worst ever. And each time, I get through that day...and it DOES get better, but that doesn't always help in the midst of the "worst" part. And I have to remind myself that no matter what life throws at us (by which I mean what God allows into our life path), no matter how awful it feels our day is, it still could be/get worse.

I've had my fair share of heartache, pain, and questioning how life could possibly get any worse. But...even in the midst of that...My God is FAITHFUL! He hasn't left me alone to maneuver the rough waters of life's trials alone.  When the doctors told my husband and I that our first unborn child had stopped growing and had actually died days before, yes we felt that it was our "worst day ever". When test results showed a year later that we were loosing yet another baby, yes we felt that was again one of our "worst days ever". When news came that my mother-in-law was dying, yes we felt that it was another one of our "worst days ever". And this week as we sat in yet another doctors office hearing news for the hundredth time (it felt like) that there's no medical reason why we aren't able to conceive another baby, and our best bet was to spend hundreds of dollars on a procedure that had absolutely no guarantee, it sure felt like one of my "worst days". And those are only examples of the major most recent days.  I know that many of you reading this have had some of your worst days ever as well, not necessarily for the same reasons, or in similar areas, but your days none the less. And no one can diminish what you've been through or are going through. Just like I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me. It could be job loss, family frustration, transition, moving, work stress, or relationships or lack of.

Something my sweet husband reminded me of just this week, as I thought my heart couldn't hold any more disappointment and heartache, that we didn't receive terminal news, or a diagnosis that was incurable. So many people just this month have sat in doctor offices and have. Parents have found out their child has cancer, or an incurable disease. Children are told their parents don't have much longer to live. So to those who have received news like that, I don't by any means compare my "worst" day to yours.

During different times in my life I've had people misuse the verse 1 Corinthians 10:13 (" No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.") Well meaning friends would tell me that it means that God would never allow more in my life than I can handle. Or that God would never give me more than I can deal with. Hm....some how I feel that most of what life has thrown my way I couldn't handle on my own! :)
Here is a great explanation of this verse!  For me, I've learned that whatever trial comes into my life, God will always be there to help me through it and that I need to realize that it's in HIS strength that I can overcome.

The Bible says that we are called to "Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." (Gal 6:2) This means, when someone we know is having their "worst day ever" we are called to encourage them. What this verse does NOT say is that we are to compare, someone else's worst day might be very different than ours. Does it really help our hurting friend when we share our own story that is worse that theirs to try to cheer them up? NO WAY! It just invalidates their feelings, doesn't encourage them one bit. I've made this mistake often, and even have scenarios in my head of responses I've held my tongue to avoid verbalizing. That is not a loving and caring response.

So what can we do to help our friend who is having their "worst day ever"?  LISTEN! :) And PRAY with them. Don't just tell them you'll be praying, but stop right then and there and pour out together their burden to the Lord.  Matthew 18:20 says "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." Often the best thing a friend can do is to be that friend, a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen, a sister in Christ to remind them of encouraging verses, reassurance that they are not alone, and most of all just being with them. I've been blessed with amazing friends who have led by example of how to be a godly friend. I am the friend to others today because they've taught me well!

The next time you hear a friend say they are having one of their "worst days ever", love her as you would want to be if you were in her shoes. Because often that is what can get them through their day!

Is there one answer to "fix" all our worst days ever???? Nope!! Not on this earth anyways!
So I say....MARANATHA! (translation: "come O Lord")

The Spirit of Giving

So this morning as I sit here feeling sorry for myself, missing my friends back in Cali and my siblings like crazy, feeling isolated, and wishing I was somewhere else, I pose us ALL this question...

What if we looked outside our traditions, our circle of comfort, the activities or things we feel make Christmas feel festive and instead made a point to make a difference in someone else's life that normally you might not.

What if, instead of feeling the pressure to buy everyone gifts and decorate and make cookies or gingerbread houses (which are all great traditions), we also or even instead gave someone a meal they might not have otherwise, or bought a family a goat or cow or filled a box for a child in need, or even donated for a child's surgery. Honestly my daughter does NOT need any more toys, I do not need those boots or mixer I've been admiring.

Christmas is a season that is more about giving that any other holiday celebrated in the world. Those of us who live in America are blessed with comfort beyond what we deserve. What about those that are without, don't they deserve a warm meal? A dry bed? A smile? A reason to keep going?

So...What can YOU do? Giving isn't about it being on YOUR terms! You don't get to decide what the recipient does with their gift, you're called to give! :)

“Christmas Won’t Be The Same Without You”

As we transition from Thanksgiving into Christmas families make plans, best friends continue traditions, children dream of snow, and stories of the first Christmas are being told. It really is a special time of the year. It's one of my favorites honestly!!! I love how it's not just one avenue to express the festivity, but it includes so many! Food, decorations, music, activities, traditions, family, friends, and SNOW (of which I've missed the most since I was 12!!!)!

As I listen to Christmas music and clean my house in preparations to decorate tonight with my little family, I'm reminiscing of past traditions that we repeated each year with our friends, our church, and those that lived life with us. I've wonderful memories and can close my eyes and in an instant relive my favorite ones!! The people we left behind were such a HUGE part of my life, leaving holes not easily filled. The phrase "life must go on" is one that brings me to tears still even though it's cheesy and silly. Yes life does go on, but when it does, that means things change. Relationships change. Best friends that planned on raising our kids together now have to do it via FaceTime and pictures instead of in person, which today, honestly stinks, and is SO NOT the same. Being the one that left, all my friends continue on with their lives, and their days go one with out me, where as my entire world changed and often feels upside down. It's easy to feel forgotten.

Many of these songs I've been hearing for the past couple hours have been about missing a loved one, or wishing they could be home for Christmas. And even though I'm home, it's kinda how I feel. It's that feeling you have when you're away at college and wishing you were home. Yes we have a new home, and are making wonderful new friends and have a great new home church, but newness is still difficult for me. I'm home-sick for my old home.  Can't I just go "home" for Christmas like these songs are all suggesting?

“Christmas Won’t Be The Same Without you”
"I'll be home for Christmas"
“Merry Christmas, Darling”
“All I Want For Christmas Is You”"Blue Christmas"
"You're all I want for Christmas"

We are trying to make new traditions though, it's just taking time! Our Little Miss is nearly 2 now and can understand so much more of what Christmas is truly about! Last night we decorated her Papa's tree with him, which for him is also a new thing to even do as it was always something that Mom did herself. So we are not alone in missing the past and creating new memories.
 While teaching, December was always my favorite season, watching my students eyes get bigger as they tried to comprehend how God could be born as a baby, and why on earth it would be in a stable when they would gladly share their bed with him! The innocence of children is nothing to be taken for granted, and I see it in my daughters eyes!! She stared in wonder at the full moon last night as I told her about the long journey that Joseph took Mary on, riding on a donkey all the way to Bethlehem because that was where Jesus needed to be born to fulfill the prophecy. Sure she really didn't understand it, but it was still special!
We will put up our tree tonight, decorate it with ornaments that we've collected over the years and some from my childhood, hang lights & tinsel, and sing our favorite Christmas songs! Same traditions, just a new venue! We are already starting to fill our Calendar with Christmas parties & activities, tours of lights, family time and cookie baking! We will have family around throughout the holiday season which will be wonderful, time with new friends building deeper relationships, and hopefully even some SNOW!!!!!!

So as this Party of 3 tries to create new traditions, new memories and push our roots deeper, please continue to pray for us as we embrace the life here that God has called us to! This is our mission field and we need to be faithful where He has placed us and with those that we are called to serve. 

National ADOPTION Day

            Today, on National Adoption Day, we celebrate in deep humility, privilege and honor the God of our salvation; the ultimate adopting Father of His children, for "graciously giving" Karis Janai Kroeker into our family.

            On April 18th this year, our beautiful daughter, Karis became officially ours for as long as The Lord chooses. How deeply moving it is, to look across the room at our 19 month old and see a modeled spiritual prescription of our adoption into the inheritance of Jesus Christ's eternal Kingdom.

            Not of personal pride, but with rested assurance, we praise His name for our responsibility in raising this child to "...grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." (2 Pet. 3:18)

Fun quotes!

Ok so you know all those cute photos or quotes or pictures you see all over? Well I always thought it would be fun to print some of my favorites in cute frames and hang them in different places. Well, that's not happening for a while!! So instead, I thought if share then with y'all!!! Enjoy!!