One hot mess

Today was one of those days...I was a hot mess. I woke up that way. Well ok, I went to bed that way. I'm the kind of person who takes a long time to process what feelings/emotions/thoughts are going on and what I'm really feeling and why. This was one of those times. I couldn't sleep last night. My stomach hurt. I felt sick to my stomach and in my heart, but couldn't put my finger on it. I had the strangest dreams, filled with anxiety. I woke up with a pit in my stomach.

Right, that's a great way to start ones day! Ha! Everyone has these days, so I know I'm not alone. It's not the days we have but our response to them. We all have bad days, but it's how we respond and walk through that day that really matters. It's a heart issue.

Most of the morning went along alright, my little girl was teething and not quite her usual giggly self, and I was tired for a night of less that restful sleep. This afternoon the sky fell. Little Miss decided she was less than happy with mommy, with her lunch, with everything, and was m.i.s.e.r.a.b.l.e! Someone (I won't name any names...) decided that flailing about, pinching, and throwing fits what how she was going to express her less than happy feelings. After a fun play date, she screeeamed all the way home (lovely 30 min drive by the way) but then did take an hour nap (thank you Lord that you helped her sleep!). Afterwards she started in all over again. She mashed up all her lunch, threw it on the floor and then had a competition with her self to see how loud she could scream. Needless to say I reached my breaking point 10 times over and tears were spilling over. (and there was a bathtub incident which we'll skip right over) By the time my knight in shining armor got home from work I'd broken. But sadly I let my frustration get the better of me. Instead of falling to pieces on his shoulder, which would have solved lots of problems since I cry out my overwhelmingness, I shut down. But he is one wonderful husband and instead of letting me check out and the night be shot, helped me begin to talk it out. We were on our way to go bowling with our church group, the last even before the big M, but I hated people to see that I'd been crying (thank you mom for passing on the red face from crying gene!) and I tried to talk him out of going. But we went and I did have fun and our friends still love me in spite of my red nose at the beginning. :) (thank you Jessie & Tressa!) But I still didn't really figure out what the root of my emotions was. I figured it was just all the sadness of moving and leaving my friends.

But here it is 10pm and I've just now figured out what started this bad day in motion. I lost my watch. I lost it Wednesday, but didn't really realize it was lost till yesterday. Sure it's just a watch, but this "just watch" was a gift from my fiance (now husband) when I graduated from Bible college. He flew all the way up to Canada to be there with my dad to watch me graduate! It was kinda cute at the time, I didn't really think I'd get attached to a metal object, but apparently I did. That watch, over the past 9 years, has become very special to me. And I think when I realized I lost it yesterday the realization of moving hit hard. I was processing it as "by moving it will mean I loose any chance of finding my watch ever again". We'll be in a different state. Now of course this is a bit over the top...but that's how my head works. And that thought alone sent me into a waterfall of emotions about moving, leaving my friends, leaving the relationships that go with me throughout my day. I'm quite attached to my friends. I'm more attached to my friends that I am to my watch, and if loosing my watch brings out such sadness, what will it actually feel like to bid goodbye to my friends in 3 weeks. (yes we are now down to 3 weeks.)

I don't like goodbyes, even if it's just a see-you-later kind of goodbye. They downright stink. And don't try to sugar coat it or make it sound easier than it really is. I've been saying goodbye to people since I was 12, and it doesn't get easier, even if you think it does. You're crazy if you think that even knowing you're coming to visit in the next year, that goodbyes aren't hard.

So after 24 hours of stomach churning and anxiety, I've now found the source. I'm dreading June 30th. And the sadness is overwhelming. But by God's grace I will live to glorify Him through it.