Here I go again mixing up my needs and my wants. I WANT to keep my friends around, I WANT to stay here with them. I want to avoid the inevitable goodbyes next weekend, well, starting this week. But I NEED to follow God's call on my life. I NEED to follow through with the marriage vows I made to my husband to "follow him wherever God calls us, no matter where or when". Boy did I not think that through! Just kidding. :)
Definition of NEED
1: necessary duty : obligation
2a : a lack of something requisite, desirable, or useful b : a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism
3: a condition requiring supply or relief
4: lack of the means of subsistence : poverty
Definition of WANT
intransitive verb
1: to be needy or destitute
2: to have or feel need <never wants for friends>
3: to be necessary or needed
4: to desire to come, go, or be <the cat wants in> <wants out of the deal>
transitive verb
1: to fail to possess especially in customary or required amount : lack <the answer wanted courtesy>
2a : to have a strong desire for <wanted a chance to rest> b : to have an inclination to : like <say what you want, he is efficient>
3a : to have need of : require <the motor wants a tune-up> b : to suffer from the lack of <thousands still want food and shelter>
So you see my dilemma. Even the dictionary cant give the definition of "want" without using need. Can I live without what my life holds? Well, to be honest, I can live without most of what $ buys. But I'd prefer not to live without the people that fill my life. But do I NEED them? No, not when it comes down to it. All I need is God. He'll supply the rest.
I was reading a book a bit ago and it was all about relationships and love and life. Not everyone will agree with this, but I've come to the belief that love is a choice. We choose who we love and how we love them. We can like many people, but love goes so much deeper. I choose to love my husband. I choose to look past offenses (sorry folks...he's not perfect either), I choose to forgive, I choose to love with wild abandon, I choose to follow him where he has felt God calling us. Do I want to? Nope!! I'm all about honestly! But will I? You betcha I will! Because as much as I love my friends, my life, my church here in So Cal, I love my husband so much more! And my God even more than I love Chy!
So where does that leave my heart as I try to pack the past 9 years of our life into boxes for the inevidible move next Saturday? Torn, broken, sad, blue, upset...but having FAITH. My favorite quote right now (don't know where it started) is "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see".
There is much truth is this saying. By having faith in my God, I'm believing that he knows what the future holds, what life will be like, how we'll settle in and how we'll create a new life for our growing family. (yes growing...because I want at least 6 kids! 3 more adoptions and then fostering or adopting or whatever God has planned for us!) Faith that even when I'm lonely and my heart is aching for my friends back here in So Cal, HE will sustain me with HIS strength and fill me with JOY and HOPE.
Today was both amazing and hard. I had to say goodbye to an amazing friend & her girls. Broke my heart. I know I'll see them again on a visit, but it's still not the same. Our girls have the amazing bond of both friendship and adoption, and it's a bond I want to nurture for all time. Their family has been instrumental in our adoption journey. They've encouraged us, prayed for and with us, and helped us navigate the seas of adoption. Because of her, my heart became open to the idea of a more open relationship with Karis' birthmother (and look at how close we are now!!). She gets a lot of what most people don't when it comes to adoption & birthfamily relationships.
Goodbyes will not cripple or paralyze me, I will NOT let them. I will pick up the pieces of my heart, glue them back together (mosaics are awesome people), and dry my tears off (tell me someone's gotten smart and bought stock in Kleenex!), and have FAITH in God for our tomorrows.
Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
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